By Adunke Olatunji
WITHOUT a doubt, plights of widows are better imagined than experienced. Losing one’s husband at any point in time (whether as a young or old woman) is not a thing anyone can pray for or wish. However, death is a characteristic of all living things including human beings. In Africa in particular including Nigeria, widowhood is usually characterised by loneliness, poverty, intimidation and social deprivation.
In some towns and communities, it leads to loss of husband’s assets to in-laws even before the burial of the deceased. What an inhumanity to man! This has become the greatest plight of widows in some communities. Though, relief has been coming from some Human rights bodies and Nongovernmental Organisations (NGOs) standing in support of the widows against the obnoxious and barbaric traditions and customs.
Nonetheless, it is an aberration to jettison what is required when a spouse or better half departs this world. As a close partner and dependent, it is expected that one should go through some unpleasant period showing and demonstrating the effect of vacuum created by the departed soul. Many things were done together when the partner was alive. Now, that he/she is no more a period of solitude has to be declared and/or observed. This is a period to reflect on what was done together, feeling the impact of the relationship and considering certain things that will happen in future as a result of the demise. Some of which may be the force/cohesion that exist amongst family members, financial situations, care , leading role, influence , defence and shield among others.
The above are the basis or some factors considered for mourning a departed soul in relation to husband and wife. When this is not followed and observed, it may be a misnomer. In some culture or tradition, if not observed or properly monitored it could be an abomination. Period of mourning varies from one locality to other. In Africa, women are known to go through systematic arrangements and procedural outing process as the husband’s families prepare and guide her for the essentials and basic rites she must perform in order to appease the spirit of departed husband from disturbing her. In some circumstances, this practice might not be far from the belief that the wife knows what led to or is involved in the death of her spouse.
Consequent upon the death, days, weeks or months are declared for mourning. This period is definite as it would be rounded up with a ceremony. Afterwards, the normal life like, going out, starting work, travelling etc. begins.
However, some might not fully recover and unwind from the situation. This continued self-induced mourning is characterised by taking away joy, subversion and negative influences. This may also lead to psychological effects on the individuals. Certain ailment can creep into the life which may endanger such to living well. It is pertinent to state with emphasis that mourning cannot be forever. Even though the memories of the dead remains evergreen. A beloved can never be forgotten as long as we live.
The incidence must be pushed behind as you face the task of moving ahead. We came into this world at different times and so we are bound to exit at different time in proportion to our heterogeneous purposes. The effect of long mourning could also be devastating because nothing works in an environment and mood where joy is lacking. The phobia ruling the mind will not open it for fresh ideas hence gradual death sets in.
Similarly, some people are in the habit of encouraging this deploring state of mind. The statements they make and attitude they display do not easily dislodge the mind from harboring the thought. In this regard, these set of “professional mourners” should be avoided as they have negative effects on the healing process.
We are in the world to face war, when a soldier is fallen the rest keep on fighting.
The world is big and amusing enough to bury the odds of yesterday and embrace the promising future while living the present in an undiluted joy. This is the best way to live a fulfilled life because if you don’t live to be happy and die in the process, how sure is the joy in heaven?
No substitute for joy. Happiness can be influenced externally but joy comes from within. A mourning soul cannot rejoice therefore, mourning has a limit.Adunke Olatunji is President, Tabitha New Life Foundation