Mentoring a child By Adunke Olatunji

DEAR readers, permit me to start my article with a story.  My story which inspired my topic of discussion.

I have a little boy who was 8 years then.  He has shown interest in reading from the age of 3. Whenever he’s watching children’s TV you’ll see him pay so much attention to alphabets. This helped him learn quickly how to read. Anywhere we go my son will be reading stickers on the buses, trains, and billboards name it. He’s also very fond of asking questions. He can ask you anything and will not let you rest unless you give him a satisfactory answer.

True to my African blood, most of those times I’ll just ignore him or shut him up that he asked too much questions. That is one of my many mistakes as it never occurred to me that my reactions will affect his judgment of certain life situations.

When he was in year1 he was a finalist in his school’s spelling Bee competition.  We practiced his word list together and he won in the competition amidst 12 contestants of different ages and class. That was in 2015.  The following year there was a twist to his story. I was so much engrossed in my personal problems that I lost focus on my son. I did not have time for the usual mother and son studies we do together, I never had time to help him with his academics, I never had time to observe him and his behaviours.  Instead of me to listen to my son’s worries, even sometimes out of my own frustrations I’ll shout at him and that hurts him really bad.  It was affecting him physically, emotionally and academically but I was too busy to notice.

Early in May 2017, he brought home a new list to practice towards that year’s spelling competition. He had 2 weeks half term holiday to practice but I wasn’t bothered.  We were busy travelling and visiting friends until Friday preceding the finale of that year’s competition, I was surprised when he came home with a letter inviting me to the finals of the competition. My boy qualified for the final without my help! I couldn’t believe it, I was ashamed of myself. It was then I realised the need to mentor my son.  I had to cajoled him that if he wins I’ll give him an iPad. We practiced the whole of that weekend.

Dear readers, the 19th of June was the finals, I sat at the last row, the extreme end of the hall watching my little boy in the midst of other children. 12 contestants from year 3, 4, 5 and 6. Imagine my fear looking at his small body frame among his seniors! Lo and behold the competition began. 

One by one the contestants were dropping – once a child spell wrongly he’s out but my boy was there standing taller than himself, full of confidence. I was shocked!

Gradually the contestants dropped out until there were 2 left and guess what my son and a year 6 pupil were the 2 left and then the competition took a new turn.  The tussle was indescribable, at a time the coordinator called for a break to allow them rest and drink, it was like I was watching a movie.  This can’t be true,  how does a year 3 pupil get the courage to give a year 6 pupil a run for her brain and believe me that girl in year 6 was brilliant.

At the end of the day my dear friends, to the Glory of the Most High God, my little boy lifted the trophy!

The whole Hall went agog. Pupils, teachers and parents were dazed but I was in shock.  I couldn’t talk, I was lost for words, tears refused to come, I couldn’t believe it.  Parents and teachers came to congratulate me and my son came running towards me.  He hugged me and said “you’re the best mummy in the world, thank you mummy”.

I feel so guilty, I was too ashamed of myself to talk. I just sat down unable to talk. It was a real eye opener for me.

This incident set my mind into a deep thought.

1. I have put my own worries over my child’s need – how selfish I’ve been.

2. It took another person to bring out the potential in my own child before I realised the need to mentor him for a better performance.

3. If I had paid attention to him earlier, I might have recognised where his strength lies and what are his weaknesses that need to be addressed.

4. I have put my child’s future in the hands of a complete stranger called teacher forgetting that I am supposed to be his number 1 teacher.

My dear readers, I narrate this story for you and I to reflect.  My circumstances is common among us Africans.  We only show interest in what WE want for our children without consulting them and seeking their opinion.  We teach our children but we don’t mentor them.

Mentoring is all about helping them steer a positive course towards their personal goals not our own dictates.

WHO IS A MENTOR?

A mentor is a person or friend who guides less experienced person by building trust, friendship and modelling positive behaviour.  Mentoring becomes effective when the mentor is able to

1. Value the child (known as the mentee) as a person.

2. Develop mutual trust and respect

3. Maintain confidentiality of information.

4. Be a good listener

5. Focus on the mentee’s development and help in solving his or her own problems.

Every child needs an enthusiastic, dedicated, caring adult member of the community to be a friend who will encourage and support them through various transitions in their life, someone who will help instil the Independence, confidence and everyday life skills they need and ultimately build long lasting relationships.  Mentoring form a greater part in children upbringing. An effective mentoring relationship can cultivate significant growth in a child.

Friendship, support and encouragement help children navigate towards their life decisions. Many great lessons in life can only be caught by young people in strong, nurturing, adult-child relationship.

Children of all levels and life situations require mentors.  Many of them just need to talk to someone about their worries, some want caring adult who will believe in their dreams and who’ll help them nurture those dreams until they become reality

Often times we as parents concentrate too much on our marital issues that we neglect our children in the process either intentionally or unintentionally.  We are mostly engrossed in our personal problems that we fail to notice the behavioural changes in our children.  The upbringing of a child goes beyond mere feeding, clothing, accommodation and education. We need to monitor them closely, bring ourselves down to their level in order to understand their feelings, desires and aspirations and be sympathetic towards their worries.  These and more is what mentoring entails.

Children who are raised in poverty are faced with challenges that more affluent children never have to confront.  The daily struggles to make ends meet and life insecurity can affect early childhood development, it could bridge parental connection needed to enable them perform better in life, thereby leaving children with academic and behavioural problems.

Home environment provides the foundation for learning and is a powerful element of a child’s life which has direct effect on academic performance.

Peer pressure also have role to play in a child’s life. Negligence in monitoring a child’s association with his peers can be harmful to the development of that child if mingled with negative ones.

Given the importance of mentoring, how do we go about it with a child?

HOW TO MENTOR A CHILD

 LISTEN

It is very important to listen to your child’s worries.  Allow them to be free to discuss any issue with you. At their developmental age they become more inquisitive, they’re becoming more aware of certain life situations beyond their comprehension that needs answers, they are prepared to explore and they need the guidance of a trusted adult/friend to steer them in the right direction.

 BE EMPHATIC

Show some understanding of your child’s situation.  Give some assurances that he’s not alone, that you feel what he’s going through and share in his pains, be ready to give protection where necessary thereby giving him sense of safety.  This will encourage the child to open up more and give him confidence he needs in seeking for adult help and advice.

 COME DOWN TO HIS LEVEL

You must be ready to view things from the child’s perspective taking cognisant of the fact that certain things you as an adult considered irrelevant and no big deal might be very huge to them

 OFFER POSSIBLE REASONS 

Offer possible reasons you feel are responsible for other people’s behavior that is affecting your child.  If possible give example of similar situation you found yourself as a child and how you deal with it.

 GIVE ENCOURAGEMENT

Don’t shut up your child or brush aside their complaints or observations. Encourage him to talk instead of keeping it bottled up. Your positive response will liberate him and give that freedom to be able to ask or talk about anything on his mind.

 RESPONSE TACTICS

Discuss how to respond to certain situations if your child find himself in it. For example a child that’s been bullied at school.  You can tell him not to retaliate by hurting back but instead should express his dissatisfaction to the person who hurt him and if no positive change he should leave and look for friends.

 IMPLICATIONS OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS

Discuss the implications of their own actions as it affect others. Teach your child to put himself in other people’s shoes so that he can understand how other people feel if it happens to them. Let him learn to accept responsibility for his actions.

In conclusion dear readers, it’s important as parents that we don’t just teach our children, they need to be mentored. We shouldn’t be just parents, we must be their trusted friend.

Many children have gone astray because their parents don’t have enough time for them. Some have time but are authoritarian and has turned the children to rebels.

I pray that God guide us all in being the best parents for our children.

© Adunke Olatunji is Managing Partner, Bamy-Rem Consulting