Widow/Widower’s Grief (Part 2)

EVERYONE grieves differently. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to do it. If you want to talk about your husband with others, do. If not, don’t. There’s definitely something mysterious about the human psyche, some intrinsic force within us that continually seeks to engulf pain and suffering the way our white blood cells engulf viruses and bacteria, an elixir we seem to swallow at the very moment our loss occurs that immediately begins to work on our suffering without us even knowing it but which nevertheless somehow eventually cures us of it.

After experiencing a devastating loss, if you’ve allowed yourself to feel the legitimate pain it’s brought and not sought to avoid feeling it, things slowly start to improve. We wake one morning to find there’s something in the day we’re actually looking forward to; or someone says something funny and we actually laugh; or we find ourselves able to plan things again, even if only a trip to the grocery store. But there’s no definite timetable for this. Don’t allow anyone to hurry you along with their expectations about when your grief should end.

Just know that it will. It may seem to you now, while in the middle of the worst of it, it won’t, that your happier self was only a dream and that this grieving self is here to stay for good. But that’s an illusion brought about only by your current life-condition. Nothing is forever, including the pain of loss.

The experience of grief is both uniquely personal and universal. Our personality, our relationship with the deceased, the manner in which the deceased died, our life stage, and many other contextual factors matter and impact grief, and yet there are many experiences, phases, stages of grief that are universal. Those who are grieving deeply or who are farther along in their healing are often trying to understand grief and its realities. It has been said that people die but relationships do not.

Know that grieving is a natural part of life and the struggle is real. It’s the coping with the loss and emptiness of that loved one that puts everything into perspective.

Silent brooding, isolation, and even anger are stock elements of male behavior, while women tend to “talk it out” with close friends. Support systems are emblematic of the female experience; men do not cultivate support structures in the same way women do.

Don’t grieve alone. I worry that you have no one with whom to share your grief.  While you may not have much energy for this, I find myself hoping you’ll join Tabitha New Life Foundation today by clicking on the link below:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/479604399281761/

Tabitha New Life Foundation (TNLF) is a private, voluntary and Nongovernmental Organization established to encourage, cater and manage the needs and plight of widows. To wipe away their tears in our own little way with the help of God.

There’s something often magically healing about spending time with others people in the world who’ve had or are having painful experiences similar to your own. It may seem an overwhelming prospect now, utterly beyond you, but often by holding someone else’s hand, by becoming their support, you’ll find your own pain lessens just a little bit. When you shine a light to guide others on a dark road, your own way is also lit.

While no one knows what happens when we die, we can say with certainty that we lie between two equally inconceivable possibilities, one of which must be true: either the universe has always existed and time has no beginning, or something was created from nothing.

Either case makes every one of us a miracle.

Adunke Olatunji, President, Tabitha New Life Foundation